The same questions and concerns come up from everyone I talk to. Everyone wants to know what i’m feeling, how i’m doing, if I want to talk.. “it’s okay to cry stephanie”

Please don’t get me wrong, because I do appreciate all that is being given to me and I do appreciate everyone being there for me. It just gets a little overwhelming having so many people asking the same questions when i’m not ready to open up, i’m not ready to write how I feel, i’m not really ready for anything at the moment. 

My thoughts are all over the place. Where to begin still confuses me, and trying to talk about everything that is going on doesn’t go anywhere. When I try to talk.. well, there isn’t really any talking anymore. More breaking down and then what? Friends and family telling me “it’s okay, i’m going to be okay.” And I know that everyone is just trying to be there for me, but me breaking down every time I try to talk about my feelings and how i’m doing isn’t getting me anywhere. I don’t want to repeat over and over again the breaking down and the thoughts that reminisce through my mind. 

I wish I could go back a couple weeks ago and force her to answer the phone. 
I wish I could go back and say to her how much she meant to me.
I wish I could of gotten the chance to invite her to my graduation.. all I could really do was leave a message. Which is what I did.. but I never got a call back.
I wish I could of gone to visit her in the hospital.
I wish I had more time..

So much time wasted. And for what reason? because I was upset at the fact that she never tried to call my brother and I? because I was upset she never called on my birthdays? 
We both equally wasted so much time and for what reasons?
Now I have nothing but a faded memory of wasted time. 

The minute she walks in the room better belive it, heads turn fast, monroe sash, hepburn class, tryin to do my best while i’m cleaning up the mess that was left by the dude that left her last.

Cleaning up wine with water only makes it worse’

gravitating, freezing, tired, frustrated, feeling worse then I did a couple days ago. Could be because my stomach can’t hold anything lately.. which is making me exhausted.  everyone who can save me is not around.  
My mind finally is disconnected, time to light another cigarette. 
Thoughts pass by without a care in the world; this is how life should be. 

Clarity, helps take away from the misery & represents the epitome. i’m gonna interject because being disconnected is making me wanna light another cigarette.